Week 2 / August 27 – September 1 continued (Italicized = original journal from day one)
What did I do to cause it? What should I have done differently? What do I do now? Can I trust again? Can I be healthy again?
This unwanted, non-focusing mantra played for a long time in my head. If I couldn’t figure out what caused cancer then I had to be vigilant about keeping it at bay. I bought organic foods as much as possible, except for grapes at $6.99 a pound. I just couldn’t pay that. I stood on the other side of the kitchen if I used the microwave. Then someone told me that microwaves are the devil, well, something like that. So then I decided not to use it at all. I worried about using the hair dryer, having the laptop on my lap, and walking for exercise while car exhaust whirled around.
I couldn’t trust anything. I’d always eaten healthy – a little meat, lots of fruits and vegetables, and the recommended ounces of water daily. I still got cancer. So there was the madness of trying to figure out how it happened, and why it happened, so that I could control things better. The operative word is “control”. I had to lose some control in order to gain some health. That’s a part of what I learned. We really have no control.
How can I feel exactly the same and be ill? Maybe I’m not ill? I just looked at WC’s book, Beating the Devil. Maybe that’s what cancer is: the devil.
Beat this devil
Change this course
Hold on tight
Cancer be gone
make me free
Health is more
Let me be me.
Mantra: Cancer is gone!
Cancer is gone!
The choice finally had to come. How was I going to live through this? I wrangled with the idea of beating and fighting. Looking at W.C. Jameson’s book, Beating the Devil was a serendipitous moment. I read this book over the summer. It never got shelved but lay beside my favorite chair. It’s a mostly autobiographical novel discovering how life’s journey makes a man. It speaks of a psychological past that allows the devil to inhabit the mind and tarry until finally released. As I sat in my chair looking down at W.C’s book, I decided we all have devils of some kind that live within us. Mine was cancer and the mind set that may have allowed it in. I had to banish the cancer. I had to move away from seeing myself as a victim. I had to “change” my mind.