Memoir Excerpt – Chapter 2 continued

Week 2 / August 27 – September 1  continued   (Italicized = original journal from day one)

What did I do to cause it?  What should I have done differently?  What do I do now?  Can I trust again?  Can I be healthy again?   

This unwanted, non-focusing mantra played for a long time in my head.  If I couldn’t figure out what caused cancer then I had to be vigilant about keeping it at bay.  I bought organic foods as much as possible, except for grapes at $6.99 a pound.  I just couldn’t pay that.  I stood on the other side of the kitchen if I used the microwave.  Then someone told me that microwaves are the devil, well, something like that. So then I decided not to use it at all.  I worried about using the hair dryer, having the laptop on my lap, and walking for exercise while car exhaust whirled around.

I couldn’t trust anything.  I’d always eaten healthy – a little meat, lots of fruits and vegetables, and the recommended ounces of water daily.  I still got cancer.  So there was the madness of trying to figure out how it happened, and why it happened, so that I could control things better.  The operative word is “control”.  I had to lose some control in order to gain some health.  That’s a part of what I learned.  We really have no control.

 

How can I feel exactly the same and be ill?  Maybe I’m not ill?  I just looked at WC’s book, Beating the Devil.  Maybe that’s what cancer is: the devil.

Beat this devil

Change this course

Hold on tight

No remorse.

 

Cancer be gone

make me free

Health is more

Let me be me.

 

Mantra:       Cancer is gone!

Cancer is gone! 

 

The choice finally had to come.  How was I going to live through this?  I wrangled with the idea of beating and fighting.  Looking at W.C. Jameson’s book, Beating the Devil was a serendipitous moment. I read this book over the summer.  It never got shelved but lay beside my favorite chair. It’s a mostly autobiographical novel discovering how life’s journey makes a man.  It speaks of a psychological past that allows the devil to inhabit the mind and tarry until finally released.   As I sat in my chair looking down at W.C’s book, I decided we all have devils of some kind that live within us.  Mine was cancer and the mind set that may have allowed it in.  I had to banish the cancer.  I had to move away from seeing myself as a victim. I had to “change” my mind.

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