If you made a list of the reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you’d have a hell of a lot of overlapping. Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook
Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate. Barnett R. Brickner
When I was in my twenties and living with Jim I saw no reason to ruin a good thing. Then I surrendered and decided we might as well make it official since we bought a house together. After that I couldn’t imagine not being married. It felt good. Our relationship grew. Our love flourished and it was certainly much nicer to refer to Jim as my husband rather than my boyfriend. Remember in the movie Young Frankenstein when Frau Blucher throws her hands wide and exclaims about Victor, “He vas my boyfriend!” I no longer had to say that.
But what is it that happens that causes us to crab at each other. I don’t get it. It seems that after thirty six years we would know each other well enough to not push each other’s buttons and certainly know enough not to react when they are pushed. But noooo. That is not how it works. Or at least it doesn’t unless you’re paying very close attention. I suppose sometimes we get a bit lazy and just want to do things our way. It’s more work to share the power. 
It would be so much easier if we could just do it my way. After all it IS the best way. Instead we need to work together and find compromise and understanding. We have to remember that we loved each other flaws and all and chose to overlook those issues. Now those idiosyncrasies grow as we become more and more like our parents. I would never have married either Jim’s mom or dad and I’m sure he wouldn’t have wanted to marry either of my folks either (irrespective of gender). So as we fall into the trap of becoming someone from our past I think it is important to place the focus inward and figure out what it is we do that so frustrates our partners. And as usual it is so much easier said than done. I love my parents and can’t imagine why Jim might not be pleased with some of my inheritance. Then I think about what drives me nuts about his parental ghosts that visit through his form and I realize that our irritations are well founded for each of us.
That brings me to the fact that we cannot change the other person. It’s not our job. What we can do is see our own behaviors and try with great kindness to ourselves to change those actions and words that we know rubs our spouse raw with irritation. I’m at this place for two reasons. One is that I’m sitting two feet from Jim in the passenger seat for eight hours as we travel back home from Arizona. It’s hard to walk away when you’re driving down the interstate. So ignoring and giving each other space doesn’t work so well. Closed quarters in my world means we need to talk and figure things out. For Jim it seems quite the opposite, he’d rather just not speak. Imagine that, the ever evolving conundrum between men and women. Which brings up the second reason I’m in this space. This recent week-end we enjoyed the wedding of the son of very close friends. It always happens to me at weddings that I reminisce in my mind all the reasons why I love Jim and why we married. It makes me happy to think of the history we share, all the pieces that intertwine our lives.
This an awful lot to get to the point that I love being reminded how special we each are with our own idiosyncrasies and I appreciate seeing the youthful exuberance of a new marriage and the opportunity to remember why we marry.
